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Oct
15th

Alphabet soup

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Car names are about to become extinct. You know, names that mean something; names that provoke fear, that exhibit raw power, that bathe us in soothing elegance and that remind us of one of God's graceful creatures roaming the earth.

Today, we get 1, 2, 200, 3, 300, 370Z, 5, 500, 6, 7, 911, A3, A4, A5, A6, A7, A8, B, BRZ, C, C30, C70, CL, CLS, CR-V, CR-Z, CT, CTS, CX-5, CX-9, E, ES, EX, F-150, F-250, F-350, FJ, FR-S, FX, G, GL, GLK, GS, GTI, GT-R, GX, i, ILX, iQ, IS, JX, LFA, LR2, LR4, LS, LX, M, M3, M5, M6, MDX, MKS, MKT, MKZ, MKX, MX-5, NV, Q5, Q7, QX, R, R8, RAV4, RDX, RLX, RX, S, S4, S5, S6, S7, S8, S60, S80, SL, SLK, SLS, SRX, SX4, tC, TL, TSX, TT, X1, X3, X5, X6, xB, XC60, XC70, XC90, xD, XF, XJ, XK, XTS, XV, Z4 and ZDX.


I'm probably forgetting another hundred or so, but I think you get the picture.

Some now-discontinued model designations were worse. Try telling your brother-in-law “hey, I just bought me a two point five tee ell.” That name couldn't get any clumsier tripping off your tongue. “Uh, I bought an Acura.”

Or a Lincoln. Or a Mercedes and/or Benz. Or an Audi. Or a Mazda. Or a Suzuki. I know that MKS and MKZ are sedans and that MKT and MKX are crossovers, but does the average consumer know that? Who cares, really, as long as you know which brand of vehicle you have purchased.

Very few manufacturers still use real car names, although some are just kind of made up and don't really mean anything, like Passat, Altima, Elantra or Impreza. But Mustang, Challenger and Viper, those are names you'd want to flaunt. Hell yeah.

Bottom line is that manufacturers now prefer that their customers name the brand instead of the model. For certain brands, especially luxury brands, that marketing strategy's been working for decades; I never hear anybody say “I got a bee two hundred” or a “see three fifty four matic.” Nah, they'll say “I got a Mercedes.”

Then again, a name doesn't successfully define the automobile in every case. An impala is a fast, light and agile animal that lives in the savannah; the Chevy Impala is a big, boring sedan with a front bench seat.

Good thing some brands haven't given up on real names that actually evoke something other than a craving for alphabet soup. Keep ‘em coming.
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